change is good but growth is better ...

Ahhhh, so frustrating it has become ..Going into stores and seeing things I like ...and not buying anything. Even the cheap stuff !
ahhh I know I am a better woman for it , but am I really ? not going for what I want , like ,and some times need is not selflessness or honorable, it's stupid and neglectful...Especially when I don't buy a shirt, a particularly sexy tank top I saw in the mall .. a lacey tank top in black , one in white( damn, I'd make 'em hurt in that white one) but I didn't get it ...Next day , when hunger pangs hit me at work I spend that $$ on (not nearly spice enough )Chinese take out...That shirt would have looked better on me than them extra greasy calories did...This is one of the habits I'm breaking out of by cooking more tasty and healthy things in my own kitchen...
I have great ideas, big ideas, visions even....then BOOM, vanished ideas....deferred dreams! Something comes up, an unexpected overdraft fee or automatic withdrawal prevents a purchase, or I'll have a great outfit with no shoes, a sexy top with the wrong bra, I spend a day knee deep in housework and handmade cooking that would make your grandmamma proud , only to show up late for my night job because I can't find my work badge that I know I left in my tote bag just last night (what do I do all day at home, bake and knit ? )
IDK, my life is very ironic and lately it been too fast paced... I don't like that ....
Yet , I try to remain optimistic because everyday is new and beautiful despite the ugly or unknown...so I try. Because in a world of perfect bloggers blogging about their perfect lives with perfect pics to prove it ,there is me... a quiet voice of an imperfect blogger. These things can be as detrimental to a woman's ego as Fashion magazines are to a young girl's view of herself....I see such great blog illustrating pics I'd like to take, crafts I'd like to make, fun I'd like to things I'd like to try, and clothes I'd like to wear...I often wonder how the hell do these people find the time to do all this, where does the money come from to afford a collection of (insert designer name here ) designer shoes ? How does their bedroom , living rooms and bathrooms look at this very very moment? Is it clean ? Do their families love them, Do they ever feel lonely ....and then I stop, I catch my self before I become a mess and begin to compare my self to a blogger I don't even know...Hell , that "blogger" might be a killer with a cover-up. ya never know....So I stop my self ...realizing, I should not give a damn about a next man's toilet bowl unless I'm sitting on it !
I stop because I remember that I am truly a perfect handcrafted design of God, aren't we all in a our own special way ? I'm being too hard on my self? So what If I was truly one of the last ones picked in gym ....I'm grown now ...and yes some times I feel like I'm having a bad gym day all over again but this too shall pass and it does... I remind my self that even adults go through growing pains...ouch !
Despite this funky, ranty, little post I had a great day in the kitchen ( up until I couldn't find the frigging work badge and even then I grinned and accepted the pain and reality that I'd be late)
So tonight when I nuked the left overs of my take out ( shut up) and read the fortune cookie I ignored when the meal was fresh I smiled.
It told me that my lucky numbers are 43,53,24,20,41,56 and went further to say:
" Your life does not get better by chance, It gets better by change ."
Again ...that word : change....CHANGE.... cHaNgE !!!! I think that I have spent so much time trying to change and not changing that I now try to grow...cause you are what you are ...change is good , but growth is better ....
All in all I still need to grooooow....stretch .....and grow some more.....


I did find my battery for the camera though....So I can post pics again...
Now If I could only find my bra ....